Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
