Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
