May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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