dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
