Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
