dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Are my feet made of real feet?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
