I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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