I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
