it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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