Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
