I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
how do you play pong handcuffed?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
