Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
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i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
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I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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