she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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