Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Farmville is her only friend.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
