Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
