i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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