I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
