saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
