after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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