I wish my penis had an off switch
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
