I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Randomize
