I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
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Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
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He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
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