Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I think I sprained my soul last night
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
