the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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