He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I can feel your judgement through the phone
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
