I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
