she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
