I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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