remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
