I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
