She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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