I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
