were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
