Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Randomize
