I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
