can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
