What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
