Your tits are I can't wait for
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
