god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
