After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
