Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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