i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
