Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
