so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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