Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
