I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
