apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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