I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So squirting runs in the family.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Randomize
