Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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