Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.