Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital