He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
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i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
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He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?