My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.