tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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