They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
