May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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