Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
