If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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