Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
