So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
