where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
