so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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